Fallen

"There is probably no more terrible instant of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man - with human flesh." - Frank Herbert

We fall. Sometimes it’s because we weren’t paying attention and tripped over that bump in the carpet or smacked our head on that low beam we didn’t see. Sometimes it’s because we took a chance and climbed out to the thin end of the branch for a sweeter piece of fruit or stood too high to be safe on the ladder. We fall because falling is as natural to us as squinting on a bright day after coming from a dark room. If we get up then falling is unimportant. But sometimes, getting up isn’t as easy as simply getting our feet back under us and standing. Sometimes we need a rail to grab a hold of, or a helping hand. Sometimes we simply need to heal.

I fell. I was out on the thin end of the branch and thought I could get that fruit, but it turned out the fruit was rotten and the branch was weak. I fell and it couldn’t have been a bigger surprise to me if I’d been told I was going to a picnic and had instead been taken out, tied to a post, and given a cigarette and a blindfold. I’m still working on the getting up part and I’m getting a lot of help but it will take time. My worry is what effect my journey back to standing will have on my boys. I don’t pretend that they ever thought I was Superman. Batman sure, but Superman? Children are not supposed to worry if there will be food in the refrigerator. They are not supposed to wonder if they will still be in the same house at the end of the month. They should have the God-given right to assume that their father will be able to keep them fed, healthy, warm, in school, and in a safe neighborhood, without the smallest shred of a doubt. I don’t know if they have doubt now because aside from Dad being home a lot little has changed. Yet.

We stand. We get up because there is no other choice. We reel and stagger like drunken men until of our strength and confidence is returned. It may look awkward but its natural as that squinting thing, and is needed to re-teach our muscles how to walk and then run. We should not be embarrassed by falling but instead take pride in the fact that the bigger the fall meant the bigger the risk. It’s usually the guy at the front of the charge that gets his horse shot out from under him.

I’m standing. I’m not all the way up yet but my chin is. The cuts have healed, the blood was long ago cleaned up, the dirt brushed off, and my face that was once flushed has returned to a more natural hue. I reel and stagger, I’m about as nimble as a newborn camel, and I wish I could just sit down, but I’m here. And I'm standing.

30 Years and a Reboot

Right now I’m going through a phase where I just want to sleep. I have to force myself to stay away from beds, couches, and comfortable lounge chairs. It might have something to do with waking up most mornings around 3:30 and being unable to go back to sleep. I lay there, replaying in my head the short and shocking meeting from July 21^st where I was fired. I’ve never been fired before. If you start at the moment I graduated from high school, I’ve been working for 30 years and I’ve always managed to do well enough to keep my job. But on that day I did, what to the people who managed my last place of employment think of as, the unforgivable. I asked for a raise.

The reason for my termination that was given to me by my (former) supervisor and the HR director – two people that I considered friends – was that it was the company’s experience that when an employee asked for a raise and doesn’t get it, that employee becomes disgruntled and eventually leaves. So they preempt that with a termination. No negotiation, not counter offer, no “no,” just a cardboard box to put my personal items in and some vacation pay that I had coming. I guess I seriously misjudged their character.

But it shows that they really didn’t know my character either. They judged that I would turn into this guy whose productivity would drop and I would perhaps spend all day surfing job hunting websites. But what they don’t understand is I was already that unhappy employee and my productivity didn’t drop and I didn’t peruse monster.com.

I had been transferred to another office with little clarification why, and no explanation to those already working in that office of what they should expect of me. They said it was an “accounting change” and would be transparent to me. But it wasn’t. Suddenly where I had one supervisor before, now I seemed to have several. Sales people would come up to me and tell me to be here to install a firewall at this time or call so-and-so and troubleshoot his SQL server at that time. An accounting person came to my desk and all but ordered me to change all the IP addresses for the PBX because it stopped working. (If you don’t know what an IP addresses or a PBX is, don’t worry. Just understand that they are not accounting terms). Marketing employees would stand on the left side of my little cubicle and hold loud conversations with their counterparts on the right side of my cubicle as if I didn’t exist. Twice while I was on a conference call with tech support fixing something for them.

The funny thing is that eight months ago I really enjoyed my job. I felt that I worked in the most important department in the whole enterprise and I knew, I knew, that I could handle absolutely anything that came up in that department. Can you imagine running a company where every employee felt that way? But when I was thrown into the new job, well not a new job because that would imply that I no longer had to do my old job. I guess a better description would be that they needed someone to handle a lot of new computer/networking work and I was the most experienced in that area so they told me to do the new stuff and keep doing the old stuff. I tried, I really tried but when they fired the SQL guy and then the network admin quit, I became overwhelmed. I felt like people were coming at me from all directions and that soon my worst fear would be realized; I would fail.

At this point I still wasn’t thinking raise. I was just confused as to why they thought they could double (triple?) my workload and I would be able to maintain the productivity they expected. Then a memo came out that informed us that three managers were being shuffled around to fill the need for the every changing blah, blah, blah. Welcome to my world. But there had been no memo explaining why Mark was being moved to the corporate office and what his new duties would be. But even then I was okay with my pay. That is until I read the final sentence of that memo. I don’t remember it exactly but it went something like, we would like to thank these employees for being so understanding during this difficult transition.

I would have killed for a public statement from management that thanked me for being so understanding during this difficult transition. I would have taken a simple sentence that just said where I was going and what would be expected of me when I got there. Yet at this point I was still not thinking raise.

Then I went to a meeting with a company where we were going to install a phone system, transfer them to a new Internet Service Provider, and take over their IT needs. In the middle of that meeting the sales guy said to the new client, “Then we’ll bring in the IT guys, they push a button, and everything works.” I came to understand that they actually believe that all I do is “push a button” and everything works. They have absolutely no idea what it takes to make this stuff work. I’ve been working in computer systems for 16 years and I’ve never found this button. I suspect it doesn’t exist.

That’s when I got it. They had no respect for me because they think I’m nothing more than an elevator operator. But does an elevator operator install elevators, maintains them, provide a backup elevator in case the current one breaks, protect the elevator from attack, give access to the elevator for anyone, from anywhere, 24 hours a day, and install dozens of other elevators from different vendors so specific people can have their own elevator? Does he also install escalators, stairs, and dumbwaiters?

So I wanted some respect but I don't know how to ask for a raise in respect so I asked for a raise in pay. I was hoping that the request for more money would prompt them to take a long look at what I was bringing to the table. I guess they did and found it wanting.

I’ve been counseled by several that I should sue for unlawful termination. But for what? For my job back? For a million dollars? For an apology? No, I don’t sue. I think it’s that character thing that I mentioned up above. The way I look at it is, it’s their company and they can fire whomever they want. All they would have to do is say it was an “accounting change.”

So I’m looking for work for the first time since 1985. I’ve applied for unemployment for this first time ever. I have some leads and I have some connections around town from people who actually know what I can do. To be honest, I’m not sure I don’t want to do something different. I’m really tired of working with computers and networks but it’s those skills that will land me the best paying job.

So I send out resumes, I call old friends, and I stay away from the couch before 10:00PM.

By the way. The IP addresses on the PBX didn’t need to be changed. They just turned the device off and when they turned it back on, it worked again. Just in case you were worried.