Having to go without any new written words by Him in thousands of years, fans of God’s work were delighted to hear the announcement today that there will be a new piece written by Him published later this year. A previously unpublished work has recently been discovered by one of God’s many lawyers in a safe deposit box in the West Bank Bank and Loan, along with a copy of The Odyssey signed by the author, a dog-eared paperback version of Catcher in the Rye, and a dodo bird skeleton.
When reached for comment God said, “Yea, looks like they found something I wrote very early in my career. Sort of a draft really, and probably not something you’re going to be reading on the beach this summer.”
God goes on to say that when the document was shown to him and it was suggested he publish it, he was at first reluctant. “I was afraid that people would think I was just doing it for the money. And I doubted that anyone was clamoring for yet another previously unpublished work from someone who was famous years and years ago. But then I found out that there are people who really want to hear from me, a lot of people apparently. Who knew? And if they can dredge up unpublished works by Harper Lee and Dr. Seuss, why not God?”
Later this year a sequel to To Kill a Mocking Bird called Go Set a Watchman and a Dr. Seuss work titled What Pet Should I Get? will be published years after they were written.
When asked about those other writer’s “new” publications God said, “I’m pretty excited about the new Dr. Seuss book to tell the truth. That sucker could write! You think I created some amazing stuff? Try saying, ‘When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...’ Ha, ha, man I still can’t get that right unless it’s written down right in front of me, and don’t get me started on turtle stacking.” As for the Harper Lee book he says, “I’m going to adopt a wait and see attitude on that one. I mean, it might be great or it might be like Johnny Depp’s version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That movie kinda creeped me out.”
The new work from God is an early version of The Ten Commandments which was much shorter than what was delivered to Moses on Mt. Sanai. As God puts it, “Originally I had just one commandment; Thou Shalt Not be a Dick. I’m no Stephen King, but not bad right? I thought it pretty much covered everything, and I should know because I created...you know...everything. But Mo said I needed to be more specific. So he and I hashed out the top ten.” He seemed to reflect for a moment before going on, “You know, I still think it would work. I mean if you kill, or steal, or lie, you’re kind of being a dick, right?” He seemed to get a little angry when He said, “And did we really need to burn a whole commandment just to say you can’t say Goddammit?” He eventually changed mood back and said, “I even had a great name for it,” as he drew his hand, fingers spread open, across his field of vision as if describing a marque and said, “The Commandment.”
When asked about the other items in the box He said, “I got that Odyssey signed the day before Homer died, but I kind of had the inside track on that one. It’s probably worth a ton of money now, but I don’t need it. I’m pretty comfortable financially. Catcher in the Rye is only in there because I had to read it in high school. Just forgot to throw it out.” And the bird skeleton? “I’m a little embarrassed about that. It wasn’t a skeleton when I put it in there. Poor little guy.”
The document will be published as a hardback book, a Kindle book, a special edition from the Franklin Mint on a stone tablet, and on vinyl narrated by Morgan Freeman. It will not be available on Nook.
