An Open Letter To...

An Open Letter To…

…Auto Manufacturers. 

Dear Sirs,

Please go ahead and make the keyless remote open all the doors of my vehicle when I press one button, once.  I can’t seem to get the cadence of the double press.  Does the second press count as a second press, or does it count as a new single press, or is it the first press of a double press, or does the car think I’ve pressed it three times now and has somehow reset to no presses?  Pretty soon it’s like I’m out in my driveway clicking away on it like some kind of deranged flamenco dancer with his castanets.  I know the odds of a hook-handed ax murderer jumping in the other side of my car, because all the doors are unlocked, are slim.  So I can pledge right now that I will not sue you if by chance I get ax murdered. Even if it’s in a hook-handed way.

…On-air Radio Personalities

Dear Sirs and Madams,

Nobody, absolutely nobody, likes it when you talk over the first, instrumental, part of a song and only shut up one beat, or less, before the singer starts.  I think the guitar at the start of Ohio, by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young is one of the best of the 70’s, or all time, so I’d like to hear it without your “We’ll take caller number seven for tickets to Wrestlemania” voice.  We don’t listen to a music station to hear the DJ, we listen to hear the music.  That would be like going to an airport to listen to the announcements of arrivals and departures and never getting on a plane.  Oh, and update your play lists.  I believe I’ve heard Ted Nugent’s Stranglehold at least twice a week on my daily commute over the last year, and that just on the way home.  Oh 2.0, traffic reports work in L.A or San Francisco, but in a town with three freeways, everyone knows ahead of time where and when the traffic is going to bunch up.  So drop the traffic report and perhaps, oh I don’t know, play a song.

…The Fresno Bee

Dear Editor,

Why is it that I can read the online versions of The San Francisco Chronicle, The San Jose Mercury News, and even the L.A. Times without having to login as a paying reader, but can’t do the same with The Fresno Bee?  I understand that you don’t make a lot of money when you give your product away, but all those sites, and The Bee’s, have banner ads across the top and other ads along the edges, and I’m pretty sure someone is paying you to put those there.  But The Bee adds a screen for paying customers to login when ever I try to go to any article.  Plus, to add insult to injury, you have more pop ups than a Whack-A-Mole game.

…M&M/MARS, Maker of M&Ms

Dear Sirs,

You’re doing God’s work.  That is all.

…Baseball Writers of America

Dear Sirs,

First of all, understand that the Baseball Hall of Fame is a museum, not a cathedral.  The cathedrals are AT&T Park, Fenway Park, Wrigley Field, and all the other ballparks hallowed by their congregations… um fans.  You created the Frankenstein’s Monster that is the steroids era when you ignored the obvious enhancements to Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa when they were “saving baseball” from the ’94 strike during their homerun race, likely to also save your jobs, so drop those pitch forks and torches and let that monster out of the windmill.  Museums should have everything related to their subject in them, good and bad.   By your criteria you’d have an American History museum that makes no mention of slavery, a European History museum and leaves out Hitler, and a Rock and Roll museum that has absolutely nothing related to Madonna.  I mean seriously, have you heard her rendition of Don Maclean’s American Pie?  It’s really awful stuff. 

…My Fellow Motorists

Dear Drivers,

You suck.  You’re not paying attention.  It’s not all about you.  There is a device on your car, and it’s been there since day one, that you can use to indicate a turn or lane change.  It’s called a “Turn Indicator.”  Freeway traffic has the right of way when you are merging, so you, yes you, have to adjust your speed to that traffic.  Anyone who slows down (dangerous) or changes lanes (equally dangerous) to allow you in is doing it as a courtesy, not because it’s the law.  By the way, I suck at driving too so watch out for me.

…Me.

Dear Mark,

Let it be.