Clubbed

“I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.”

-Groucho Marx  

 

Her cheeks were rosy, her attitude was cheery, but her customer was wary.  "Would you like a bottle of wine for five cents?"
Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth* I said, "Yes," and grabbing a $30 bottle of zinfandel said, "I'll take this one."
The rosiness dropped from her cheeks and her attitude took a downturn too.  "No, you buy one bottle and get the second for five cents."
I grabbed a $6 bottle of Gallo something-or-other and setting it next to the zinfandel said, "I'll take these two for six dollars and five cents."
Again she said, "No.  The second bottle must be the same wine."  Then she hit me with, "You also have to be a member of Club Bev."  She held up a little red card.
 

                Everywhere I go I’m bombarded with offers to join this club or that just to get past the checkout.  There’s ExtraCare Rewards Program (It’s at CVS Pharmacy, as if to suggest if you’re not a member that you only get regular care), Club Orchard-Ace Rewards-True Value Rewards (all hardware stores), Balanced Rewards, Prescription Saving Club, Vons Club, and Save Mart Cares (I’m curious what Save Mart cares about.  Other than having little selection and higher prices that is), the aforementioned Club Bev, Frequent Car Wash Club, Customer Loyalty Club, Office Max Rewards (where I shop maybe once a year.  Maybe.), and Subway Club (for sandwiches not trains).  If I joined every one of these clubs, and was issued a card for each one, my wallet would look like the shoe at the two dollar blackjack table in Caesar’s Palace.  (Pictured above)

                Also, what makes them clubs?  Is there a clubhouse for Orchard Club meetings?  If there is then I wonder what it’s built out of since the Orchard “hardware” store doesn’t sell lumber anymore.  What are the bylaws of the Frequent Car Wash Club or Office Max Rewards club’s secret handshake?  If I only get club sandwiches from Subway would that make it the Subway Club Club?  Is there drinking allowed at Club Bev meetings?  Encouraged?

                So I finally broke down and joined Club Orchard at OSH, which stands for Orchard Supply Hardware.  The girl at the checkout counter said that if I joined I would get $5.00 off.  All she needed was my name, phone number, and e-mail address.  Since I was buying what added up to about $1.50 worth of PVC, which stands for polyvinyl chloride, I figured I’d join, get my discount, and not only walk out with my sprinkler parts, but an extra $3.50 in my pocket.  “No,” she said like the girl at the top of the page, “you get the discount on your next purchase.  You’ll get an e-mail where you register for the $5 coupon.”  So I gave her my real e-mail instead of a fake one, and left with my PVC from OSH, but as far as she knows that mailbox belongs to Jethro McHappymeal whose phone number is (123) 456-7890.  When the e-mail showed up there indeed was a $5 coupon, but only for purchases over $25.  Now, along with job offers for jobs that don’t exist and messages saying that I’ve won a cruise, my inbox is stuffed with weekly communications from OSH telling me what an awesome hardware store they are, sans lumber that it.

                I’m thinking of making my own club and printing up cards.  I’ll call it Club Friends of Mark Rewards Loyalty Club Cares Savings Club Club.  Then, the next time I’m asked at a store “Are you a member of our club?”

I’ll answer, “No I’m not.  Are you a member of mine?”

I could really use that wine. 

 

*I would never look any horse in the mouth, gift or otherwise.  Horses kind of creep me out and I find their mouths and teeth just this side of terrifying. I’m pretty sure that if it wanted to, a horse could bite my arm clean off.