Are you worried about the people of
Mississippi? Do you agonize over the
fact that they are the poorest state in our glorious Union? Are you unable to sleep at night trying to
come up with ways to give the downtrodden Mississippians a self-esteem boost? In other words, do you want to make
Mississippi happy? If you answered yes
to any of these questions, then have I got a deal for you.
There is this guy up in the Bay
Area named
Tim Draper who used the
gigantic pile of money he worked so hard inheriting to make himself an extra-gigantic
pile of money in the venture capitalist racket. Since, as we all know, extreme wealth
equals extreme intelligence, Mr. Draper realizing that his is a genius, has
decided that California has become too large and unruly to govern, so he
proposes cutting it up into smaller more governable states. Sort of a reverse Yertle the Turtle. Let’s see, how many
would work? Two? Three?
No, better make it six.
But Mark, how does this help Mississippi?
Hang on, I’m getting to that.
So back to six. Converting
California into six states, adding five to The Union, is the way to go
according to Mr. Draper. He even says he
has enough signatures to add it to the November ballot which I guess proves
that people will sign anything if you’re a good enough salesman. (Turns out he
doesn’t have enough, even after paying college students $2 per signature). Five
more stars on the flag, five more governors, ten more senators, and who knows
how many congresspersons. He’s even
drawn the borders and named them, although I don’t get why he gets to name the states
in which he will not reside. There is a
saying that goes something like, from the
ridiculous to the sublime. The names
Draper has picked for the six new states, there will no longer be a simple
California, range from the ridiculous to the snooze fest. Mostly snooze fest.
Mississippi?
Patience.
Anyway, the names (their position on ridiculous / snooze fest
scale) and general boundaries of the proposed new states are as follows:
South California (Snooze fest). Pretty much San Diego and all the rest of
Southern California that isn’t exactly L.A.
Mostly desert really, with some nice beaches along the coast. San Diego would most likely be the capital of
this new state unless Disneyland lobbies really hard. And trust me, you don’t want to get into any
litigation with the Disney people.
(Disney is a registered trademark of the Walt Disney Corporation and
should not be used without explicit, written permission of the Walt Disney
Corporation or their legal representatives).
West
California. (Snooze fest). Here is where
you’d find L.A., Hollywood of course, Santa Barbara, the Hated Dodgers, somehow
San Luis Obispo, and very little water.
(More on that later). It’s called West California even though most of the
current California, and even Reno are further west than Los Angeles, which
would likely be the capital, but don’t let that enter into naming the place.
Helloooo? Mississippi?
It’s coming.
North
California. (Snooze fest). They get
Tahoe, Napa wineries, the Gold Rush country, a little bit of coast, and
Sacramento. Sacramento would probably be
the capital since they already have a capital building and a bunch of
politicians running around the grounds like squirrels. But Auburn has a pretty nice courthouse too
and it became California’s capital in the book “The Last Days of the Late Great
State of California.” North California
would have most of the water currently used by the rest of the state. In fact they have so much water they have to
build levees to keep it away from the places they don’t want to have water. This actually sounds like a pretty nice
state, it’s just that every time I look at it I almost read it as North
Carolina.
Jefferson. (Ridiculous)
Yes, there will be no North, South, East, West, or Outer California
here. Everything between the new North
California and Oregon (and maybe even some of Oregon) would be called Jefferson. These guys have wanted to be their own state
since long before Dapper Draper showed up on the scene, citing the old
standard; taxation without representation.
Talk about your callbacks. Don’t
know why they want to name it after Jefferson other than he is beloved and
Washington is already taken, twice, but I suppose could think of less popular
President’s names to hang on it.
Nixonland anyone? Fillmoria? As
an article in Slate.com says, it consist of “both weed and Weed.” It would be the capital of the former but not
use as its capital the latter.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
three Mississippi?
Soon Grasshopper.
Silicon
Valley. (Ridiculous). Here’s the rub, to misquote Hamlet. This is where the architect of this brilliant
plan would live and presumably where the government would be friendlier to Mr.
Draper and his business associates. Hell,
the government would probably be Mr.
Draper and his business associates. This
is all he really wants out of this grand plan, to live in a (his) business
friendly state that doesn’t include Oxnard or those Dancing Raisins. It comprises San Francisco, the East Bay,
Marin, San Jose and the rest of the currently named Silicon Valley, and
Monterey Bay. It would instantly become
the wealthiest state in the union.
Pretty nice digs for the most part but I don’t know how he gets Monterey. Weirdly named though for a region where only
a small percentage could be correctly described as a valley. The name Silicon Valley dates back to the
early 80’s and the silicon chips used in computer manufacturing, plus the
valley where San Jose is located. So
for about 130 years before that this was called Santa Clara Valley. But Saint Clara (the patron of eye disease,
telephones, and laundry) is out and Silicon is in so I guess we need to name a
whole state after it, albeit a small one that kind of looks like Bart Simpson. Using this convention they should name Jefferson “Trees and Weed,” North
California “If it Keeps on Raining the
Levee’s Gonna’ Break,” Western California “Kardashinia,” and South California “You want sand? We got sand.”
The capital would likely be San Francisco.
MISS-ISS-IPP-I!!!!???
But a moment to go.
Which
brings me to the sixth and final state in our little experiment, and the
area
from which I hale; Central California (Snooze fest). Central California
would be the largest of
the six new states. It would have Yosemite, a big
chunk of the rest of the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and both Fresno and
Bakersfield. It would also have some of
the most productive farmland in the world.
I read an article that stated if you ate three meals today, and that you
were in the United States, there is a 90% chance that something on your
plate
came from what is and what would become Central California. Also, this
new state has a valley, the San
Joaquin Valley, which is about 15 times bigger than Silicon Valley. So
who should really get “valley” in their name? Plus what fun we would have
watching those on
the East Coast mispronouncing Joaquin?
(Jo-a-quin? Jock-u-in?) But here’s another rub; Central California would
have about 90% of West California’s water, in the Owens Valley.
Speaking
of water; water rights are argued, fought over, and generally the
biggest legal
and political headache in the current state of California. Imagine what
those arguments, fights and
headaches would be like when six different governments are involved.
The term Herding Cats comes to mind. Didn’t think about that one did
you Timmy
Boy?
Em-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye.
Okay;
Mississippi. Thought I forgot didn’t
you. If this split happens, the state of
Central California replaces The Magnolia State as the poorest in
the nation. Yup, the people of
Mississippi, overnight, have their self-esteem rejuvenated and their power
ranking moved up a slot. Hear footsteps
West Virginia? Not only would Central
California be the poorest state out of the new 55, it would actually share a
border with the wealthiest. How’s that
for contrast? Hey, but at least they’d
be a strong conservative state, like most of the current poorer states.
Now,
what about the flag? I think California
has the best flag of the fifty. Love the
bear, love the patch of grass, and love how the red star hangs up there like a
mysterious little icon to befuddle those who don’t understand its origin
(something to do with solidarity with Texas, I think). The bear is actually modeled after a real
grizzly bear that lived in captivity in Golden Gate Park for 22 years until his
death in 1911, when he was stuffed and put on display in the Academy of
Sciences, which is a story on its own.
He’s still there.
By the way Mississippi, if you want
to get some respect in the world, in case this six Californias thing doesn’t
work out, which it probably won’t, perhaps you should consider taking that
Confederate flag off of your state flag.
I’m just saying it seems silly to have an image flying over your capital
that is usually reserved for the wife-beater T-shirts and truck bumpers of
people on TV reality shows catching catfish with their feet.
Yes,
the ship SS California has problems, but breaking her up into six lifeboats won’t
fix any of them.
Okay,
I’ve been to sea. I’ve experienced
seasickness, or if you prefer, the more pleasant French term, mal de mer. I’ve been in and around the flu and
drunkenness, and I’ve held her hair. In
other words, I’ve seen it. And by it
I mean emesis…you know, barfing, throwing up, making a Cosby sweater, blowing
chunks, airing out a Jackson Pollack, going to sea by rail, the Technicolor
yawn, sowing Dodgers*, paging Wyatt Erp, or selling Buicks. 