Six Flags Over California

Are you worried about the people of Mississippi?  Do you agonize over the fact that they are the poorest state in our glorious Union?  Are you unable to sleep at night trying to come up with ways to give the downtrodden Mississippians a self-esteem boost?  In other words, do you want to make Mississippi happy?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, then have I got a deal for you.

There is this guy up in the Bay Area named Tim Draper who used the gigantic pile of money he worked so hard inheriting to make himself an extra-gigantic pile of money in the venture capitalist racket. Since, as we all know, extreme wealth equals extreme intelligence, Mr. Draper realizing that his is a genius, has decided that California has become too large and unruly to govern, so he proposes cutting it up into smaller more governable states.  Sort of a reverse Yertle the Turtle.  Let’s see, how many would work?  Two?  Three?  No, better make it six.

But Mark, how does this help Mississippi?

Hang on, I’m getting to that.

So back to six.  Converting California into six states, adding five to The Union, is the way to go according to Mr. Draper.  He even says he has enough signatures to add it to the November ballot which I guess proves that people will sign anything if you’re a good enough salesman. (Turns out he doesn’t have enough, even after paying college students $2 per signature). Five more stars on the flag, five more governors, ten more senators, and who knows how many congresspersons.  He’s even drawn the borders and named them, although I don’t get why he gets to name the states in which he will not reside.  There is a saying that goes something like, from the ridiculous to the sublime.  The names Draper has picked for the six new states, there will no longer be a simple California, range from the ridiculous to the snooze fest.  Mostly snooze fest.

Mississippi?

Patience.

Anyway, the names (their position on ridiculous / snooze fest scale) and general boundaries of the proposed new states are as follows:

South California (Snooze fest).  Pretty much San Diego and all the rest of Southern California that isn’t exactly L.A.  Mostly desert really, with some nice beaches along the coast.  San Diego would most likely be the capital of this new state unless Disneyland lobbies really hard.  And trust me, you don’t want to get into any litigation with the Disney people.  (Disney is a registered trademark of the Walt Disney Corporation and should not be used without explicit, written permission of the Walt Disney Corporation or their legal representatives).

                West California. (Snooze fest).  Here is where you’d find L.A., Hollywood of course, Santa Barbara, the Hated Dodgers, somehow San Luis Obispo, and very little water.  (More on that later). It’s called West California even though most of the current California, and even Reno are further west than Los Angeles, which would likely be the capital, but don’t let that enter into naming the place.

                Helloooo?  Mississippi?

    It’s coming.

                North California. (Snooze fest).  They get Tahoe, Napa wineries, the Gold Rush country, a little bit of coast, and Sacramento.  Sacramento would probably be the capital since they already have a capital building and a bunch of politicians running around the grounds like squirrels.  But Auburn has a pretty nice courthouse too and it became California’s capital in the book “The Last Days of the Late Great State of California.”  North California would have most of the water currently used by the rest of the state.  In fact they have so much water they have to build levees to keep it away from the places they don’t want to have water.  This actually sounds like a pretty nice state, it’s just that every time I look at it I almost read it as North Carolina.

Jefferson. (Ridiculous)  Yes, there will be no North, South, East, West, or Outer California here.  Everything between the new North California and Oregon (and maybe even some of Oregon) would be called Jefferson.  These guys have wanted to be their own state since long before Dapper Draper showed up on the scene, citing the old standard; taxation without representation.  Talk about your callbacks.  Don’t know why they want to name it after Jefferson other than he is beloved and Washington is already taken, twice, but I suppose could think of less popular President’s names to hang on it.  Nixonland anyone?  Fillmoria? As an article in Slate.com says, it consist of “both weed and Weed.”  It would be the capital of the former but not use as its capital the latter. 

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi?

Soon Grasshopper.

                Silicon Valley. (Ridiculous).  Here’s the rub, to misquote Hamlet.  This is where the architect of this brilliant plan would live and presumably where the government would be friendlier to Mr. Draper and his business associates.  Hell, the government would probably be Mr. Draper and his business associates.  This is all he really wants out of this grand plan, to live in a (his) business friendly state that doesn’t include Oxnard or those Dancing Raisins.  It comprises San Francisco, the East Bay, Marin, San Jose and the rest of the currently named Silicon Valley, and Monterey Bay.  It would instantly become the wealthiest state in the union.  Pretty nice digs for the most part but I don’t know how he gets Monterey.  Weirdly named though for a region where only a small percentage could be correctly described as a valley.  The name Silicon Valley dates back to the early 80’s and the silicon chips used in computer manufacturing, plus the valley where San Jose is located.   So for about 130 years before that this was called Santa Clara Valley.  But Saint Clara (the patron of eye disease, telephones, and laundry) is out and Silicon is in so I guess we need to name a whole state after it, albeit a small one that kind of looks like Bart Simpson.  Using this convention they should name Jefferson “Trees and Weed,” North California “If it Keeps on Raining the Levee’s Gonna’ Break,” Western California “Kardashinia,” and South California “You want sand? We got sand.”  The capital would likely be San Francisco.

                MISS-ISS-IPP-I!!!!???

    But a moment to go.

                Which brings me to the sixth and final state in our little experiment, and the area from which I hale; Central California (Snooze fest).  Central California would be the largest of the six new states.  It would have Yosemite, a big chunk of the rest of the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and both Fresno and Bakersfield.  It would also have some of the most productive farmland in the world.  I read an article that stated if you ate three meals today, and that you were in the United States, there is a 90% chance that something on your plate came from what is and what would become Central California.  Also, this new state has a valley, the San Joaquin Valley, which is about 15 times bigger than Silicon Valley.  So who should really get “valley” in their name?  Plus what fun we would have watching those on the East Coast mispronouncing Joaquin?  (Jo-a-quin? Jock-u-in?) But here’s another rub; Central California would have about 90% of West California’s water, in the Owens Valley. 

                Speaking of water; water rights are argued, fought over, and generally the biggest legal and political headache in the current state of California.  Imagine what those arguments, fights and headaches would be like when six different governments are involved.  The term Herding Cats comes to mind.  Didn’t think about that one did you Timmy Boy?

                Em-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye.

    Okay; Mississippi.  Thought I forgot didn’t you.  If this split happens, the state of Central California replaces The Magnolia State as the poorest in the nation.  Yup, the people of Mississippi, overnight, have their self-esteem rejuvenated and their power ranking moved up a slot.  Hear footsteps West Virginia?  Not only would Central California be the poorest state out of the new 55, it would actually share a border with the wealthiest.  How’s that for contrast?  Hey, but at least they’d be a strong conservative state, like most of the current poorer states.

 

                Now, what about the flag?  I think California has the best flag of the fifty.  Love the bear, love the patch of grass, and love how the red star hangs up there like a mysterious little icon to befuddle those who don’t understand its origin (something to do with solidarity with Texas, I think).  The bear is actually modeled after a real grizzly bear that lived in captivity in Golden Gate Park for 22 years until his death in 1911, when he was stuffed and put on display in the Academy of Sciences, which is a story on its own.  He’s still there.

By the way Mississippi, if you want to get some respect in the world, in case this six Californias thing doesn’t work out, which it probably won’t, perhaps you should consider taking that Confederate flag off of your state flag.  I’m just saying it seems silly to have an image flying over your capital that is usually reserved for the wife-beater T-shirts and truck bumpers of people on TV reality shows catching catfish with their feet. 

                Yes, the ship SS California has problems, but breaking her up into six lifeboats won’t fix any of them.