Pussy Riot

“During the San Francisco Forty Niners victory celebration, a guy threw a lit flare on the hood of my car and yelled, ‘Niners!’”     -Bobcat Goldthwait

    As it turns out, despite all evidence to the contrary - lack of firearm ownership, little interest in shoulder punching, complete ignorance as to whether or not that thing has a Hemi, and an irrational fear of horses -  I’m a man. And being so, I’ve spent hours upon hours in the company of men.  I’ve experience what it’s like to be with them in both public and private venues.  I’ve have had friends, family, and co-workers who are men, and continue to be.  So I’ve been on the inside.  I’ve seen how men behave when they believe they are surrounded by those of a like mind, and those who believe that what happens in locker rooms stays in locker rooms.  And I’ve heard how they talk.

    First off, there are the words that are uttered at these times.  Words like bitch, pussy, and Niners.  As to the secret handshake, that will remain a secret.  

    Niners is a harmless and familiar nom de plume of the aforementioned, in the above quote, football team. It’s primarily used as a shortcut in place of the horrendously cumbersome and time consuming “Forty Niners.”

    As for bitch, as a young man making my way in a confusing world, I was amazed to find it is not only used as a term of insult, but also as a simple gender identification technique, and for the middle of the back seat of a car.  For instance, when a gentleman is among a group of his peers and wants to express his feelings for a woman who he feels is acting particularly unpleasant or “bossy” he will refer to her as a bitch.  As an example, “That bitch of a boss wouldn’t let me leave work early even though she knew the Niners game was starting soon.”  But later in life I discovered that a woman can earn the title bitch, in some men’s eyes,  just by existing in those men’s field of view, as in, “There were some fine looking bitches on the beach this morning.”  These women have not only not treated a man with what he or anyone else sees as “bitchy” behavior but in fact have not interacted with him at all.  They simply were unfortunate enough to need labeling by a man who was far too manly to use terms like girls or women.  Of course for these gentlemen the word ladies doesn’t even enter into the picture.  Finally when subjected to sitting between two manlier men in the back seat of a car, you’re riding bitch.  I don’t know if it’s because you are acting bossy or because you look fine on the beach, so I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

    So now it’s down to pussy.  I rarely used this word, most likely because I never heard my dad say it.  And by rarely I mean I don’t.  But recently an actual nominee for President of the United States, the one in America, was seen and heard making use of this word on a video from 10 years ago.  I’ve heard men use it as an insult to another man, “You’re afraid of horses?  What a pussy,” as a designation for acquiring sexual intimacy with a woman, “Gonna’ go get some pussy tonight,” and for describing a cat.  Actually I’ve never, ever heard anyone refer to a cat as a pussy unless he was trying out a poorly developed double entendre.

    Pretty much all the words and how they are used that I’ve put in the blog today can fit in the the deplorable basket that is locker room talk. So when someone says that something they said that has upset someone else is just locker room talk, can we disagree on that?  Oh yes.

    That brings us to what was said in the video years ago, by a man who wants us to select him to represent 300 million of us as President of the United States.  He wasn’t besmirching someone’s manliness, he wasn’t speaking of accomplishing sexual congress (although there was hope in his heart), and he certainly wasn’t talking about cats.  He was using a fourth definition of the word, to describe a woman’s genitalia. I’ve heard that fourth definition during “locker room” events too, but not in the way this man used it.  He basically said, as you all know, how delighted he is to be able to use his celebrity, his wealth, and his power to commit sexual assault on women without consequence.  That’s not locker room talk, that’s more like admission of guilt.  Again, if I were in a room with a bunch of other guys and one said, "Hey, you know what's fun?  Grabbing women you've just met by the short hairs and kissing her with you fancy Tic-Tac breath." I'm pretty sure I or someone else would suggest that he's heading the right direction for a night in jail and a court date. 

    Men can be vulgar.  Men can be clueless about their words. Men can do stupid and dangerous things when trying to impress their contemporaries; see the flare on the car quote.  Men can also be kind and caring, and goofy and stupid and heroic and strong and the list goes on.

    But this man that I at first considered to be both a lousy, unqualified presidential candidate and a lousy person, and later when he mocked the physical disability of a journalist considered to simply be a pig, has given me pause on what I should call him now.  Since he has bragged about what at the very least is a misdemeanor that is just a few steps from a felony I guess I have only one choice left.  Criminal.