An Edsel for the 21st Century

Here’s what happened. I was driving to work in rural Fresno County when I saw this car with “4 SALE” taped in the windows. The next day I snapped a picture of it as I drove by. I know, I know, but I swear I never took my eyes off the road. My sons were in the car with me and naturally asked why their daddy was endangering their young lives with this drive by photography. When I explained that the subject of the photo was an Edsel they looked back at me as if I were going on about the sound quality of LPs over digital downloads…again. So I guess it’s my paternal duty to pass down the legend of the valiant Edsel, and tragedy of her epic fall.
So I began, “Gather my children and you shall hear, of a line of cars that lasted three years.” In the late 1950’s Ford decided that their Lincoln was good enough to compete against General Motors' mighty Cadillac so they promoted it. Exactly what that entails, I don’t know. That left a vacancy for an “intermediate” car line that would, I guess, compete with the Oldsmobile or maybe just walking.

The geniuses in the marketing department, using the more is better approach, decided to dump every possible feature that was popular with the automobile purchasing public at that time, into this new line. So you got things like push-button gear shifting in the center of the steering column, a binnacle like speedometer that sat on the dash like a Jiffy-Pop bag, and an all new styling concept where the grill was vertical instead of horizontal. The grill prompted someone to say, “It looks like a Buick sucking on a lemon.”

But you can’t add every ingredient you like to the same soup, because after you added the peanut butter and licorice to the chicken broth and liverwurst, it becomes inedible. To say the least. But what is the big deal with the Edsel? Why does it hold a place as the biggest failure in transportation history since the Donner party bought those used Conestoga wagons without snow tires? And why hasn’t it happened again for the fifty plus years since the last one rolled off the assembly line?

Some say it was the lemon-sucking grill that drove people away. Others point to the price or the reliability, although it was no less reliable then other cars of the same era and price wise it sat in the middle. One school of thought suggests it was the push-button transmission in the steering column. These folks thought that drivers, wishing to honk at another motorist who had in some way offended them, instead shifted their shinny new Edsel into another gear. Imagine that instead of delivering a macho, two toned blast from a heavy, U.S. steel horn and effectively cowering the target of your wrath, you instead came to a screeching halt because you accidentally threw your car into reverse. Oopsie!

Perhaps the head gasket wasn’t screwed on just right, it could be, perhaps, the brake shoes were too tight. Sorry, kind of Seussed out for a second there. But whatever the reason, the grill or the price, the Edsel was dropped into showrooms like an art-deco train wreck, and people stayed away in droves. And ever since, the name Edsel has equaled failure.
Like I said, the last Edsel rolled, off the assembly line 50 years ago. Why has no car line since picked up the definition of automotive failure mantle? Maybe someone has but we haven’t taken a long enough look to see them. I know I haven’t. Let’s.

If gigantic chrome bumpers, push button transmissions, and fins like sharks on steroids were popular in the 1950’s, then four-wheel-drive, high ground clearance, and cargo space were just as popular in the 2000’s.

If there was a vehicle into which the most popular recent features were poured, it was the SUV. In the 1990’s and 2000’s you couldn’t go broke selling SUVs. One in particular seems to have risen to the apex of the class, and it had it all; enough ground clearance to accommodate boulders, shopping carts, and small children; the big knobby tires; enough cargo space for the man who owns everything and just wants something to haul it all around in; a winch that will never be used on the front and a full size (and then some) tire on the back; duel fuel tanks and duel temperature controls with a 25-degree difference; and power-tilt and power-folding heated outside rear view mirrors. Did I just say power-folding?

It also had more blind spots than a sensory deprivation tank, a height that was above the legal limit requiring, by federal law, to have amber clearance lights, and at 8,600 pounds gross weight, above the limit that is allowed on residential streets in many cities. You’ve probably seen the sign in this graphic and not even though about it. To paraphrase Ralph Nader, “Unpractical at any speed.”

What was/is this vehicle? Well, let me answer that by saying the makers wanted something big and impressive that would rumble down the avenue like a tank. So naturally they went and asked the U.S. Army. The Army answered with the Humvee so the civilian version is the Hummer. It slid into showrooms with a marketing campaign (ironic word choice) that included then action movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger rolling around in one. But unlike the Edsel, the Hummer sold. To quote the Eagles song The Last Resort, “(they) put up a bunch of ugly boxes, and Jesus people bought ‘em.”

If both cars were packed with what the people want, why is it one died on the vine and the other grew to maturity, even if its drivers hadn’t? If you look at quality I’d put my money on the Edsel having higher quality then the Hummer in relation to its respective era. When you look at price the Edsel wins again. Features are probably a tie. The only real difference would be the consumer during the 1950s versus the consumer of the 1990s/2000s.

You know, each generation likes to think they are a little savvier, and perhaps a little more sophisticated than the generation before, but perhaps we are not. I’m pretty sure that if I stood next to Julius Caesar as a stealth fighter flew over, my reaction would probably be more subdued than his. But it seems that where the 1950’s consumer could walk past the Edsel showroom on his way to the Chevys or (regular) Fords, I would apparently be sucked in like a moth to a flame and lay down my hard earns for a brand new Hummer.